I've just returned from a weekend in Ann Arbor. You may ask "Why did she move to St. Louis if she's going to be running home to Michigan all the time?" I'm happy you brought that up. It's called having the best of both worlds. I have work I love in Missouri; most of My People are in Michigan. As long as they keep giving me cheap airfares back and forth, I'll be taking every chance to relish my many blessings.

This weekend gave me a chance to be convinced all over again how wonderful my kids are. We spent Saturday afternoon together, going out to lunch for Julia's 21st birthday (my baby!) and hanging around engrossed in good conversation, always a family talent. They have overcome many challenges over the past several years, and I've had reason to be very impressed by the adults they've become. That hasn't stopped. I respect them, appreciate their love, and want the very best for them always. (It should be noted that these sentiments apply fully to my dear daughter-in-law Tracy, whose presence in Steve's life is living evidence that God answers parents' prayers.)

Monday is the beginning of the second two-week Executive Program. I'll be moving into the Leadership Center - known to the cognoscenti as the 'Velvet Prison'. Yes, it's comfortable, but after the end of the last two week session, I'd practically forgotten the way back to my apartment. It was 64 degrees here today, so I hereby resolve to poke my nose outdoors regularly.

Thanks for being there.

You may notice that I am making up for the emotional depth of my Feb 23 post by being chatty and trivial lately. That's right - give yourself a point for deep perceptiveness. Today I present another example.

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Places I Would Like to Visit (in no particular order)

Italy - anywhere and everywhere, but it has to include Florence
St. Petersburg, Russia
Santa Fe, NM
Banff and Jasper, Alberta
The Grand Canyon and other canyon national parks
Sanibel Island, FL (it may have sad memories, but I will always love it)
England (I dream of getting a cottage in the Cotswolds and seeing Wales. And Chester.)
St. John, U.S.V.I.
Mackinac Island, MI (I know, it's shocking, but I've lived in Michigan for 45 years and have never visited)
Spring training (OK, it's not exactly a place, but you know what I mean)
Beaufort, SC
Door County, Wisconsin
Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island
Barcelona, Spain
Victoria, BC
New Zealand
Lake Wobegon, MN

This wasn't his fault. Give the guy a break.

(Anybody else out there longing for Opening Day?)

I am no Luddite, but sometimes the rollercoaster of societal change that roars by in the backwash of the Internet boggles my mind. A particularly pungent example I found recently is called How to Date and Blog (are you listening, Ju and Mir?).

I'm currently involved in one of my least favorite activities -- coming to grips with a new realization that there's something specific about my behavior, attitudes and assumptions that I deeply dislike. Partly because I'm not able to articulate it clearly, and partly because my pride doesn't like airing my dirty laundry in public, I'm not going to go into details about it here.

Christian tradition calls this the "conviction of sin". For me, that used to carry an extremely negative connotation, mixed with overtones of contempt, judgment and pressure to conform to the standards of others. Now, thanks to the passage of many years and the counsel of wise friends, I've grown to see it much differently.

It's like discovering a bank account I knew nothing about (an occurrence that has happened to me from time to time since Dave died). It means that there are possibilities that I haven't realized, opportunities for change that I couldn't even conceive of before, resources that won't be out of reach for long. I haven't yet gotten my arms around the reality of the change, but I know that it's there waiting for me, and I know what to do next. I will pray to become ready, willing and able for God to change me -- and, with help, I will wait in hope.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Today I attended a "start up" church (a 'church plant' to those of you from evangelical backgrounds). I had met the pastor (a young guy with about 6 kids, at least 3 of whom are adopted) at the the Hope-Calvin basketball party and had a great conversation with him and his wife. I liked the service quite a lot - an excellent mix of music (though most sung at a faster tempo than I would have preferred), good grounding in Scripture, and clearly a lot of people who really mean what they say and want to be there. However, I'm not sure that I'll go back simply because the combination of distance and demographics-unlike-me (mostly young families) makes it unlikely that I'd find the community and depth of relationships that I'm hoping for. I've already been to one church that's very close to my apartment and will be going to others as time allows.

This week gives me my first chance to be in the Performer rather than the Learner role in my job. I'm coaching regularly all week, will give a workshop, and otherwise am the face of professional coaching to the company employees who are at the Center. I'm looking forward to everything except the early morning hours - breakfast is a prime opportunity to meet with people for coaching. At least there's absolutely no fear that I won't be eating well. The executive chefs (Gus and Steve) are legendary. Thankfully, even the healthy choices taste terrific.

All the best to all of you.

Well, actually, I'm not all that innately fond of having lists and crossing things off unless it's a packing list for a trip to Europe. However, I know that it will serve me if I continue to develop my ability to take joy in the act of completing a task, so today was a good practice round.

Unlike most of my days here so far, I stayed in my office today and worked my way through follow-up items from the team meetings earlier this week. One of my assignments from my boss is to come up with a list of goals and objectives for the year. This is a surprising approach for a corporate setting. I'm completely new here, so how on earth would I know what objectives I should set to advance the larger goals of the team and the company! On the other hand, I've rarely had such a flexible opportunity to create the job that I really would like to have. I guess I'll just jump into the deep end of the pool and start swimming.

This is a rare free weekend alone in St. Louis. I'll do some exploring, probably shop a bit, and find out about neighborhoods that might be interesting to live in after my time in the corporate apartment expires. For many years I've wished I could have a chance to live in an urban environment for a while, so I'm weighing the pros and cons of a moderate commute from one of the nice areas close to downtown vs. living in this northern suburb that is very convenient to work but almost totally without charm.

I want to put off these decisions, however, because work is so involved that I don't really have much inclination to spend lots of time or attention on them. The easiest alternative would be to ask the company if I can just pay them rent for this place after the end of the time they've agreed to accommodate me. That would be fine. I've added little touches to make it feel more like home, and I spend weeks at a stretch lodged at the Leadership Center anyway.

Random fact: The hydraulic, fuel, etc. lines in a fighter jet are not only color coded but also marked with different patterns so they can be accurately maintained at night under low-light conditions.

Random fact #2: Detroit Metropolitan Airport frowns on accepting checked luggage that has a fleece boa tied to the handle. I can't fathom it either.

It's been so long since I posted here that I feel sheepish about it. But here's a quick update.

I finished the executive program last Friday and sleepily hopped on a plane for Michigan. I had a wonderful weekend that included everything that I needed for real refreshment except the aforereferenced sleep, but who cares? You can do that anywhere. I was able to extend the weekend into Monday, returning to St. Louis for several days of long meetings.

This morning I had the very cool (VERY cool) experience of touring the assembly plant where Eff-18 (forgive the misspellings, but I'm trying to discourage random Googlers from landing on this site) naval fighters are manufactured. We were fortunate enough to have a very adept tour guide who was able to translate into language we could understand his expertise about what the planes can do, how they're designed, what it's like to fly them, on and on. I even understand a little bit about how St__lth technology works now. Dave would have been absolutely thrilled by it all - I was pretty excited myself.

This afternoon, it's finally back to real work. I'm planning some meetings and trips so I can learn the business better, I'll be Head Coach for the first-level and middle-manager training going on next week, and then it's back into Executive Program 2 for another 2 weeks. Remember Alice and the Red Queen running faster and faster to stay in the same place? Well, I'm running faster and faster, but I do feel like I'm getting places by leaps and bounds. There are many wonderful things going on in my life, and I'm appreciating each of them to the hilt.

I haven't forgotten any of you, although I'm doing a pretty poor job of keeping in touch. Please be patient with me and keep me in your thoughts and prayers as you're in mine.

This leadership program certainly knows how to launch the graduates with a bang. The final dinner (which I thought would include stiffly polite acknowdgements accompanied by that banquet clapping we all know well) was a riotously funny roasting of incidents that have happened during the last two weeks. (My own tribute was a reference to how I got hosed by a $3,000,000 invoice for 4 reprints from the SimStreet Journal. However, they neglected to mention the self-initiated promotion to Vice President of Research and Development that I managed to extract from the 'corporate offices' .) I've learned many things including business and financial capability, personal and leadership development, and what wonderful fun karaoke can be when you're relaxing with people you've been through challenges with.

I'm ready to pack now for my flight home for a weekend in Ann Arbor. I'm as eager as a kid to get back to 'my people'.

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Sometimes this blog feels like the ultimate self-indulgence. I pretend that every word that proceeds from my sparkling fingertips is of utmost worth, and that everyone I know reads and is fascinated by them. On the other hand, the hope of readership keeps me coming back to journal my little bits which helps me punctuate my experience and reflect a bit. This is the ultimate friction-free market economy -- I'm free to do what I prefer, and you can partake however and whenever you wish. (I'm growing more and more disgustingly enmeshed in business language, for which I extend my heartfelt apologies. I assure you that I am probably as dismayed as you are. This evening I referred to some hoped-for time with friends as "interfacing with my people" and got the startled response I deserved. Oy.)

Speaking of spending time with my people, I'm going home to Ann Arbor this weekend. After the immersion in this leadership program, I'll be tired and drained. "Back home" sounds like the best R&R. I'm really glad I won't be alone in my apartment. A girl can only do so much sleeping. I'd probably end up indulging in pseudo-theraputic shopping, so the plane ticket to Michigan could be seen by the charitably inclined as an economically sound decision.

For now, it's getting too late, I have some preparation to do for tomorrow, and my comfortable pillow calls my name.

Yesterday was a deep day - an oasis of Values and Feeling in the expanse of thinking and analysis I've been involved in all week. As many of you know (I know this because you've reached out and been there with me), yesterday was the anniversary of Dave's death. The weekend held its share of feelings of sadness and loss, but I am rich in my relationships with my children, with Dave's family, my own family and dear friends. This isn't a rationalization - it has been real to me all along, and is something I'm truly grateful for.

I was particularly moved by a phone message from a group I've been close to for almost as long as I can remember. These friends -- who have been together through thick, thin and thick again -- got together in Ann Arbor for dinner to mark the anniversary and left me a voice mail from the restaurant. Part of me is disappointed I missed the call, but it was wonderful to hear each of them speak as they passed the phone around sending along their best wishes. My eyes tear up even now as I remember how meaningful it was to hear those voices.

This sounds sad. I'm not, really. But I'm probably teetering on the edge of emotional exhaustion. There are wonderful things in my life. There is also Daily Life which is taking more of my resources right now than usual. And there's grief. On balance, Wonderfulness is winning, but I need to be careful with how I take care of myself. Marla, I remember your reminders about "Sleep, water and vitamins". You'd be proud of me.

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of Dave's death. As I've been expecting, the feelings are flooding in. I respect them enough to be making room for them in my life, and I'm getting some support from the people on my team to take time away from activities to be by myself and be in communication with family and friends. I pray for my kids, for Dave's family, and for everyone else who misses him. I pray for the grace to let the feelings take their course; I see it as a way of honoring Dave and how much he continues to mean to us. On the other hand, part of me would do anything NOT to be stabbed by them.

Steve, Miriam, Julia, I love you. Family, friends - thank you so much for being there.

I have nothing new to say, so here is a list of things that I have regretted losing or throwing away over the years. (Those who know me well know that excess discarding of clutter is not one of my faults, but so what?)

* My old rock albums, especially Abbey Road
* My undergraduate term papers
* The remote control to the upstairs TV. (I have extra remotes that don't appear to go to anything. Wanna trade?)
* The keyless remote for the Ford Explorer. (Do you see a theme emerging?)
* Memorabilia from my honeymoon and my trip to Rome in 1975
* Newspapers and/or news magazines covering key historical events, especially 9/11 and the Tigers' World Series wins
* The kids' baptismal stoles
* Those beautiful matched beach towels that disappeared somewhere between the last and next-to-last house that we owned
*Elizabeth Lada's e-mail address

Now, here are the things I'm delighted that are no longer accompanying me on life's journey:

* The poster of Superman breaking out of Kryptonite chains given me as a gift by the first guy who ever asked me out in high school
* The red Datsun station wagon with fenders so rusty that they'd vibrate when I got going over about 45 mph
* My fear that I'll be 'found out' somehow, and no one will ever like me again
* My copy of the Book of Lists
* A lustful desire to buy Tupperware
* Any teenaged resentments toward my parents
* The vividness of the memories of the 2 or 3 most embarrassing things that have ever happened to me
* The brown flowered wallpaper formerly in my kitchen
* The inability to put down an interesting book

I am sorry (that includes both contrite and personally regretful) that I haven't had the chance to visit here with you lately. I'm in residence at the Leadership Center during this 2-week program for a very good reason -- there are hardly 2 free minutes to rub together until mid-evening. Tonight is ostensibly free, but our team is meeting from 7:00 to 8:00 with one of the consultants to our team, after which I can go to my room and relax. You all know I'm pretty outgoing, but I've only hit the evening happy hour once. That's way too sociable for me after all this work and interaction we have during the day.

One effect of having my Business side so actively engaged is that it takes a conscious shift to become personal or reflective. That's a good aspect of having time in my room at night. I can read, pray, or talk to close friends. I guess that's how the whole me manages to keep my balance here.

But there's not much to tell. I'm happy that the participants in the program, all executives, have accepted me and my contributions although they might have considered me ineligible for much respect. It's a very interesting and likeable group. But I'm sure we'll go through a period of high stress before we get to the point of hugging one another good-bye after a job well done a week from Friday. (See, I'm not only sociable, but I'm confident in my ability to hook these guys' Feeling side in a matter of 11 days. How about that!)

Please keep in touch at my usual e-mail address. I'd love to hear from you. In fact, here's my phone number at the Center. I may not be able to call you back at a humane hour, but I can try. (314) 493-3608. This will be good only until Feb. 13.

Yesterday I began a 2-week intensive executive program at the Leadership Center. I'm attending as a Participant in preparation for supporting it as an Executive Coach in the future. Intensive is the appropriate adjective. It's stimulating, very challenging, and I see myself on a collision course with overload if I don't take steps to prevent it. So I'm off to the fitness center to walk on the treadmill for a while.

I will be very short on time. I will try to keep in touch with friends and family, but I'm not at all sure I'll be successful. Please drop me a note from time to time to remind me that I have a life. Thanks.

Miriam and I had a great day today. We got extra sleep, we did some shopping, and then we went to a small but very fun get-together of work people at Sue the Aussie's house.

The shopping was particularly satisfactory because I finally bought a stereo which Miriam was kind enough to set up for me. I've been listening to a lot of classic vocal jazz lately like Billie Holiday, Etta James, Ella Fitzgerald, etc., and a collection of those happens to be the only CD that was present in the apartment this evening. (The rest are freezing in the car.) So after the small party we came home, lit candles in the living room, shared my soft new red chenille afghan (scored on the same shopping trip), listened to that one recording, and talked until pretty late.

I'm determined to get up and go to church tomorrow morning, so I need to get to bed now. Tomorrow will be the end of Miriam's visit and will bring the beginning of a pretty hectic schedule. So I'll talk to you all later.