I'm currently involved in one of my least favorite activities -- coming to grips with a new realization that there's something specific about my behavior, attitudes and assumptions that I deeply dislike. Partly because I'm not able to articulate it clearly, and partly because my pride doesn't like airing my dirty laundry in public, I'm not going to go into details about it here.

Christian tradition calls this the "conviction of sin". For me, that used to carry an extremely negative connotation, mixed with overtones of contempt, judgment and pressure to conform to the standards of others. Now, thanks to the passage of many years and the counsel of wise friends, I've grown to see it much differently.

It's like discovering a bank account I knew nothing about (an occurrence that has happened to me from time to time since Dave died). It means that there are possibilities that I haven't realized, opportunities for change that I couldn't even conceive of before, resources that won't be out of reach for long. I haven't yet gotten my arms around the reality of the change, but I know that it's there waiting for me, and I know what to do next. I will pray to become ready, willing and able for God to change me -- and, with help, I will wait in hope.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

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