For those of you who fancy yourselves to be mediocre writers at best, take heart! You are much better than you might have been, witness the award winners in the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest sponsored by the English department at San Jose State University. The challenge put to the entrants is to write a remarkably bad opening sentence of an imaginary novel; the results can be snort-into-your-milk funny.

The 2006 results are out. Personally, my favorite has to be the runner-up:

"I know what you're thinking, punk," hissed Wordy Harry to his new editor, "you're thinking, 'Did he use six superfluous adjectives or only five?' - and to tell the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement; but being as this is English, the most powerful language in the world, whose subtle nuances will blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' - well do you, punk?"

But it's not all about adventure and suspense, no sir. Here's an offering for fans of romance:

Her angry accusations burned Clyde like that first bite of a double cheese pizza, when the toppings slide off and sear that small elevation of the oral mucosa, just behind the front teeth, known as the incisive papilla, which is linked to the discriminatory function of the taste buds except, where Clyde was concerned, when it came to women.

Thanks to Jim Manney for the heads up.

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