It has come to our attention that a new organization called Unitarian Jihad has begun activities on U.S. shores. A communique came into the possession of a courageous journalist who, thankfully, takes seriously our Right to Know.

Some excerpts from the manifesto:

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.

One of the benefits of participation (perhaps the only benefit) is that very cool names are available for the asking. I am to be known as Sister Shotgun of the Enlightenment. You too can have your own Unitarian Jihad name. Just click here.

Thanks to Bill Cork.

1 Comment

1. Therese Z on 8:54 PM

   You shall now refer to me as Sister Cutlass of the Short Path, but you can call me Shorty.
   
   We are the Unitarian Jihad. We shall burn questions marks on your lawn. We shall mate with Jehovah's Witnesses and our offspring will ring your doorbell but we won't know why.