I'm a fan of the comedienne Rita Rudner. Although nothing compares to hearing her inimitable deadpan delivery, her material is funny even on its own.
Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they'd say "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." That’s now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check – the waiter said, "Don’t put off that mammogram."
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".
I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"
