I wrote a post on Exultet about how to select a good husband. (No offense to you gentlemen who also might be able to make use of the suggestions, but I cannot pretend to know anything about picking a wife.)

Although I keep thinking of new items to add to that already voluminous list, I thought I'd veer elsewhere here and let you all know my tips for early detection of someone who has no business on your eligibility list.

Here are indications of crummy husband material:

• His first gift to you is a poster showing Superman busting out of Kryptonite chains.
• You have conversations consisting of, "I don't know, what do you want to do?"
• He spends a lot of time worrying about why you are yelling at him.
• You spend a lot of time worrying about why he is yelling at you. Or at the cat.
  
• He laughs so hard at his own jokes that he can't enunciate the punch line.
• He carries on conversations with other people while he's on the phone with you. You never find out what those conversations were about.
  
• You have heard him make rude noises with his hand and armpit.
  
• In the back of your mind, there's a suspicion that he might be using you. (You're undoubtedly right.)
• He needs you, he really needs you, and it's not a good time to stop seeing him right now.
• He loves you so much that it takes almost nothing to make him jealous.
  
• He is your first boyfriend. Or, he's your second boyfriend after the first one broke up with you.
  
• He's always asking how much something costs. Or, he never cares how much something costs.
• He blows off commitments because people will certainly understand.
• He whines.
• Even your friends who have confidence in your judgment tell you to think again about this guy.
• He has terrible experiences in his background, but he assures you he has put all that behind him and it will never bother him again.

And the top way you know to show this guy the door is:

• When you tell him your parents are stupid, he agrees.