Elizabeth: "Emergency Bulletin: Even on the internet, 'yr' does not mean 'your' or 'you're' in English. Thank you."

Theresa: "I totally agree with yr Emergency Bulletin. It's true "Yr" means neither something that belongs to You, or implying something about You as a person or what You as a person is about to do. Yr means 'yer.'

"Frinstance: 'Yer being a short-sighted prescriptivist, oh Lizzie' can be shortened to, 'Yr being a short-sighted prescriptivist, oh Lizzie.' For further examples of 'Yer' to 'Yr' conversions, see: 'Yer a scallywag!' or 'You forgot yer bag' or 'Yer mother was a hamster and yer father smelt of elderberries!'"

1. Before you put the cat out, check to see whether you've got the one whose front claws are intact.


2. Don't wait until your carpets and upholstery are irretrievably soiled before getting them cleaned.
   


3. Roll your windows up, no matter how hot it is.


4. Those shoes you're sure are broken in -- aren't.


5. If you set the timer for something in the oven, stay within earshot of the timer.


6. Time passes far more slowly for the elderly than it does for the young or middle-aged. If you say you'll call, they'll start anticipating it later that evening.


7. Traffic signals are engineered to detect drivers who are late for work and teach them a gentle lesson.


8. It is never worth going to the store on the Friday after Thanksgiving. 


9. It is never worth putting off Christmas shopping until December 23.


10. When you're deciding what to do in an urgent situation, don't forget to ask yourself the question: "What's the worst thing that can happen if I do nothing right now?"
    
    

You have just received the Amish virus. Because we don’t have any computers or programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list and then delete all the files from your hard drive.

Thank you for your cooperation.

The Amish Computer Department

Thank you very much, Julie

Yes, it certainly is easier to strike up a conversation with someone in virtual space, especially if you've got yourself a hot-shot avatar.

However, in the real world, chances are you may need to equip yourself with more than wit and like-a-flash typing speed to successfully begin to get to know that interesting person.



From the imaginative Indexed you keep hearing about from me.

From FailBlog. Caution: most of site deserves a Vulgarity Alert.

Found on My[confined]Space

More remarkable graphics at Share Some Candy.

You Are a Whiteboard

You are a dreamer, a visionary, and a straight up idea person. You are very creative. Even if the things you think up are a bit wacky, they often are brilliant. You are an adept problem solver. You are always tossing around dozens of ideas. You would make a good artist, designer, or architect. You do best when work feels like play.

You'll notice a new blog, Coffee Klatch, in the sidebar. It makes me smile. Here's a sampling.

Dear Abby,

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for molesting most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny “The Fingers”), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn’t I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

I tend to dislike the "reaction-on-the-street" interviews that follow hard on the heels of momentous (or not so momentous) current events. I don't care, frankly, what passers-by feel about the passing of Michael Jackson or the fact that it was a cooler-than-usual summer. (Okay, lay it on me, is this a personal failing? Honestly, how do you feel about it?)

The Onion, as usual, puts a whole new twist on it.

Tweeted from the 9/12 Tea Party rally in Washington, D.C. by Brian.

Step 1. Buy a productivity book. Any productivity book will do. (The one I use is Geting Things Done.) If that book doesn't particularly appeal to you, don't worry. Find one that you've heard people speak well of.

Step 2. Look carefully at the productivity book. Speak firmly to yourself, saying, “If I don’t get X done, I’m going to have to read that productivity book.” ...

Thanks to Julie who discovered this wonderful tip on Matt Cutts' blog.

Here are some things worth knowing when you have your own place:

1. If you have an old fashioned refrigerator that needs to be defrosted, allow a good deal more than an hour for the job, and do not do it on a 95-degree day or you'll lose your food in the process. Pans of boiling water in the freezer make the crud thaw faster. Of course, you'll clean the fridge while you're at it. Then, when you're done with the whole thankless, difficult job, peel the Sears appliance ad from the floor where you put it to sop up the pools of water and run right out to buy a new refrigerator.
   
   
2. If you cut your family members' hair, do it in the garage, or else you'll be finding little hair snippets on the bottoms of your feet for weeks.
   
   
3. You can plant shrubs and perennials in the fall as well as in the spring, and they'll be cheaper. Bulbs have to be planted in the fall. If you don't get around to planting them before the ground freezes, you can try refrigerating the bulbs to fool them into thinking they've spent the winter in the ground, and then sneak them in the first time the ground softens -- maybe during the January thaw, if you get lucky that year. (In Duluth, just throw the bulbs out and try again next year. The pain of fruitless waiting for a January thaw may cause you to whimper uncontrollably.)
   
   If you live south of the Mason-Dixon line, you can buy special bulbs that don't have to be overwintered, but they're wimpy. Enjoy your azaleas and don't whine.
   
   
4. It's a good idea to develop a collection of recipes that are easy but look like they were hard. Cream puffs are a good example. And they freeze beautifully.
   
   Oh, and don't bother to cook the lasagna noodles before you assemble the ingredients. Use a little extra sauce on each layer and when you're done, drizzle 1/2 - 1 cup of water around the edges. Cover tightly with foil before you bake, and the noodles will steam perfectly.
   
   
5. If you are unlucky enough to encounter a fruit-fly infestation, here's how to get rid of them.
   
   Take the end of the bottle of wine that you would just throw out anyway and pour it into a bowl. Mix a little sugar in for good measure. Then mix in several drops of diswashing liquid and leave it on your counter or in whatever room they're swarming. The sweetness of the wine will attract them and they'll try to land on the surface. Thanks to the soap, the surface tension will break and they'll sink to the bottom where the alcohol will kill them or they'll drown. I don't know which. What do you care? It works.
   
   Then throw out the apple core behind the sofa or the bananas you forgot about on top of the fridge that caused the problem in the first place.

See? Mama comes in handy from time to time. Don't forget to wear your sweater.

Over the years, I've learned some things. Some, I've learned the hard way. Some, fortunately, I've picked up because someone showed me, told me how to do it, or gave me good advice.

I now have grown children, children-in-law and the beginnings of a clan of grandchildren. Any of you in a similar position know the risk of being too pushy with advice and counsel. I definitely do not want conversations with me to be the occasion of eye-rolling on the other end of the phone line.

In what I anticipate may be a series of "let me 'splain it to you" posts, I will get out of my system some of the things I've learned that I hope will be of some assistance to someone out there somewhere. I suppose I've picked up some of these tidbits independently, but most of the useful things I know have been learned from somebody else. So let me pay that favor forward.

* * * * *

I'll start you off gently.

Imagine that you have a friend or colleague who keeps asking you random questions, expecting you to magically know the answers. What do you do?

For the answer, click here.

One of the morning drivetime radio shows (back when I commuted 45 minutes rain/shine/gloom of early morning) had a call-in game called "The Right Answer is Always 'C'".

Well, our version today is: "Got a problem? Use a Lego!"

Click here to see Lego lights including my favorite, the little pocket-guy in the photo who can also clip onto a headband (included) for a pseudo-60s look.

What more could you want, I ask you?

Look no further than Lowering the Bar, an irony-laden blog with news of the ridiculousness that is life in the legal lane.

Recent posts include:

• Big Firm Rocked by Tax Divider Scam which raises the question, "Did he think no one would notice that a million dollars worth of tab dividers were ordered that never arrived?" Next time, buddy, mix it up and make that half a mil in fancy ballpoint pens.


• Sex Fees Not Deductible Medical Expenses, Tax Court Rules Although the individual did keep meticulous track of his, ahem, expenses, he neglected to present receipts. I'm sure there were other reasons, too.


• Practice Tip: Good Behavior Advisable During Disciplinary Hearing Not a good idea to call opposing counsel a "worm", interrupt the judge, laugh loudly during opposing witness testimony, or ask whether that witness' father was a Klan member. Don't make me tell you twice.


• Monkey Mask Fails to Defeat Traffic Camera It's true the camera might not get a good picture of your face, but chances are it will catch your license plate and the decal on your windshield.

Remember, you read it here first.

My son is so amusing.

My daughter and her husband are looking for a townhouse -- their first home purchase. She updated her Facebook status thus: "Now we have two favorites. What to do . . . "

Her brother responded thus:

First comment

"what to do.". Obviously YOU have never bought a house before. The answer is like so totally obvious, at least to anyone with a strong base of Southern California real estate experience like me. [Ed. note:Hah. He lived in a rented apartment in the high desert for 4 years.]

Buy both of them.

Then live in one, rent the other out for $300 less than the payment, buy a convertible to travel between the two of them, live the high life for six months, and file bankruptcy.

I can't believe I had to spell it out for you. Duh.

Second comment, posted immediately thereafter:

In seriousness, we are praying God will grant you wisdom on your choice.

I love my kids.

Note to kids:



Note to dear husband:



From the whimsically-named but "don't-try-this-at-home" Whiskey in my Sippy Cup.

From wearefishermen.com.

Hat tip: Digital Hairshirt via the ever-reliable Curt Jester on Twitter.

I've never quite gotten the point of music videos. But today I found one that's too good (well, actually, too bad) not to spread around. It's the Proclaimers singing "I'm On My Way," one of the most cheer-inducing songs ever recorded, but the video is as bad as you could imagine. Take a look.

I'm On My Way (on crack) on YouTube.

The Ironic Catholic (or, more precisely, her husband who is filling in temporarily) introduces us to Scripture for the Twitter generation.

For example:

Exodus
After ten warnings, Pharaoh goes up against God AGAIN, gets a-- kicked. LOL. But Hebs whining "Are we there yet?" gets on even God's nerves.

Lamentations
Stuff happens.

Job
Stuff happens, and only God knows why.

I added one in the comment box, but there are more, many more.

Psalms
You are wonderful, alleluia. I am scum, alleluia anyway. I'm in trouble, help me. You helped me and the wicked rot. Alleluia.

Isaiah
You don't think promises like these could be reduced to 140 characters, do you? Read it.

Mark
Be converted and believe the gospel. Jesus died and rose. Who needs adjectives?

John
I am the Bread of Life. Yes, that's what I said, sorry you're having a hard time with it.

Acts
Pitiful people transformed into mighty saints. Political power no match for Holy Spirit. You never know.

James
Yes, it matters what you do. Don't fool yourself. Remain in faith, but don't worry -- he's coming.

What have I missed? Add a comment.

The real men in my life occasionally join me in watching what cinema people refer to as "romantic comedies", primarily because I ask them really nicely. No one who is related to me (except my father, who is exempt from all generalizations whatever) has survived until now without watching at least some portion of Sleepless in Seattle, which I consider the most enjoyable girl-movie ever made. ("God, I loved that movie.") The reason, I suspect, is primarily self-defense; my daughters and I are prone to burst into random Sleepless scenes with no notice whatsoever.

But don't worry, gentlemen, you are neither alone nor necessarily damaged by the experience. Scott Nehring, a writer of punchy movie reviews from a Christian perspective, has delivered what I consider the summa male response to the genre in his review of The Devil Wears Prada, offering a tried and true antidote if you find yourself trapped into a viewing of a Meg Ryan epic:

It’s a Über-chick flick and I really enjoyed it. Don’t worry, when I was done watching I killed a bear with a knife, mangled things with a chainsaw and left the toilet seat up all night to recalibrate my masculinity.

Feel better now?

The Ann Arbor News closes it's doors today, to be succeeded by AnnArbor.com. I'm keeping an open mind, but I remember how hard it was for any sportscaster to step into the Tiger's broadcast booth after our legendary Ernie Harwell. I'm thinking it might be a bit like that. It's hard to follow an institution.

Here are some of the things I'll miss:

1. "Browsing", "scanning", and "dipping my toes in" will be replaced with "searching". If I don't know it's there, I'll never see it. If I search for it, I'll get a lot of junk with it and have to take time figuring out what I'm really looking for.
   
   
2. I won't ever be able to say, "I got my picture in the paper" to my Dad.
   
   
3. I won't be able to wrap soon-to-be-historic news sections in plastic hoping that they'll be valuable some day.
   
   
4. I'll get nervous at noon Saturday because I won't have heard that the tornado siren was going to be tested.
   
   
5. I won't be sure that my friends will have read my relative's obituary and know when the services are.
   
   
6. My finely honed skills of folding the newspaper backward on itself so I can read it one-handed will have to wait for my infrequent visits with the Wall Street Journal.
   
   
7. I'll have nothing to start a fire with on a wintry morning.
   
   
8. I won't be able to scan the sports pages to see if I recognize the last names of highschoolers who are children of my friends.
   
   
9. I won't be able to circle garage sale ads to take with me.
   
   
10. I won't be able to pack a box with the Michigan-Ohio State section to add extra delight to my out-of-state son's Christmas present.
    
    
11. I won't see pictures of freshmen moving in around Labor Day and be able to think "They get younger looking every year."
    
    
12. I'll have nothing to chuckle over, hoping my husband will say "What?" so I can read it to him.
    
    
13. I won't be able to keep track of how Geoff Larcom's picture ages over the years. And I'll miss Jo Mathis. Dreadfully.
    
    
14. AnnArbor.com will never be "mine".

Credit: icanhascheezburger.com

Courtesy of AutoMotivator.

I've just discovered Fr. Deacon Daniel's Catholic Church Geek blog, an interesting look at many things Catholic from the point of view of a lively Byzantine-rite deacon. I got there via his Cafepress store where he has a herd of items -- some reverent, some funny, some both. I was amused, so I bring you an assortment of the lighter vein of what you will find there. I encourage you to browse.

[Tchotchke (def.) - trinkets, gewgaws]

If you can't read it, the fine print says "The strange sinking feeling you've never done this before."

I don't know where Fr. Deacon Daniel is from, but I'm thinking Minnesota.

A bumper sticker, perhaps, for those of you looking for a more powerful tow truck.

I didn't know St. Anthony had a call center. I prefer just having him on my mental speed-dial, myself.

"They followed him to school one day . . ." Wait, that's not it.

Product: Human Beings
Year of manufacture: All

The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the Heart.

This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality" (SIN).

Some of the symptoms include:

• Loss of direction
• Foul vocal emissions
• Amnesia of origin
• Lack of peace and joy
• Selfish or violent behavior
• Depression or confusion in the mental component
• Fearfulness
• Idolatry
• Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.

The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: 1-800-P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. Further information available in the Owner's Manual available online.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

• Love
• Joy
• Peace
• Patience
• Kindness
• Goodness
• Faithfulness
• Gentleness
• Self control

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus -- again, that number is 1-800-P-R-A-Y-E-R. No refunds will be given; the safe operation of these units is solely the responsibility of the owner.

DANGER: This recall does not expire and the manufactured units may be repaired at any time. However, unit failure cannot be predicted with accuracy and human being units not responding to this recall action by that time will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!

- GOD

P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'.

HT: All About Whatever

A little fun for ya. And, if you're not Canadian, it's a quick education



N.B. I would add one things to their list of "what you need to do to be Canadian." You need to figure out what, exactly, are the key elements of uniquely Canadian culture that are so important to preserve. I've been "familied" in Canada for over 30 years and have never quite figured that out.

HT hevel.org - A Chasing After Wind

Now, if they could only figure out a way to make brussels sprouts taste like bacon, I'd sign up.


How to Make Mushrooms That Taste Like Bacon from Science Central

Groom sells advertising space on his wedding tie.

Horses achieve cute 'dos with "mane extensions.

Three bottles of vodka + 5th floor window + nagging wife = heights of stupidity.

Laughter in Germany apparently unusual to the tune of one helicopter rescue.

Plane, with mind of its own, takes off without pilot.

And the number #1 "this is just wrong" (which I fervently hope is a joke), is:

New watch predicts future: Bedpan symbol turns brown when omens indicate the s*** is about to hit the fan.

From the British television program "Yes, Prime Minister". It snarks the Church of England, but they certainly don't have a corner on the issue.

Curiosity from Si on Vimeo.

. . . and I found a bunch of them on antsmagazine.com. Enjoy.

Q.: Does this Mardi Gras make my Tuesday look fat to you?

A.: Your Tuesday isn't fat, it's just big-boned.

HT: @LinuxBozo, @chrishumphries

Free virtual bouquets from theyrebeautiful.com.

Today's laugh comes from "The Most Bizarre (but Real) Personal Ads Ever". (Caution: mature content. The above corn-in-cow-pasture example is the most printable.)

My favorite is #8.

Perhaps the buzz around the Superbowl commercials has died down, but it's a fun feature of every January. My heart still belongs to the great-granddaddy of them all.

Except I am sort of having fun with this one.

. . . or And you used to think the remote control was the height of technological advancement.

1. You accidentally enter your ATM pin number on your microwave touchpad.
   
   
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
   
   
3. You have 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
   
   
4. Your excuse for not staying in touch with family and friends is that you don't know their e-mail addresses.
   
   
5. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to find out if anyone is at home to help you carry in the groceries.
   
   
6. When you get a recommendation for something, you immediately Google it to find out the real scoop.
   
   
7. Leaving the house without your cell phone (which you didn't have for the first several dozen years of your life) is a cause for panic. You immediately turn around to retrieve it. If it's too late, you later apologize to someone that you were out of reach.
   
   
8. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
   
   
9. You don't know when your favorite television programs come on, because your Tivo takes care of everything.
   
   
10. You go online in the morning before your coffee is ready.
    

Hat tip: my lovely daughter-in-law

The commentator doth protest too much, methinks.
Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 2 - paraphrased

Somewhere, out there among the dustbunnies of the world, is this guy.