You'll notice a new blog, Coffee Klatch, in the sidebar. It makes me smile. Here's a sampling.

Dear Abby,

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for molesting most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny “The Fingers”), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn’t I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

I tend to dislike the "reaction-on-the-street" interviews that follow hard on the heels of momentous (or not so momentous) current events. I don't care, frankly, what passers-by feel about the passing of Michael Jackson or the fact that it was a cooler-than-usual summer. (Okay, lay it on me, is this a personal failing? Honestly, how do you feel about it?)

The Onion, as usual, puts a whole new twist on it.

Tweeted from the 9/12 Tea Party rally in Washington, D.C. by Brian.

Step 1. Buy a productivity book. Any productivity book will do. (The one I use is Geting Things Done.) If that book doesn't particularly appeal to you, don't worry. Find one that you've heard people speak well of.

Step 2. Look carefully at the productivity book. Speak firmly to yourself, saying, “If I don’t get X done, I’m going to have to read that productivity book.” ...

Thanks to Julie who discovered this wonderful tip on Matt Cutts' blog.

Here are some things worth knowing when you have your own place:

1. If you have an old fashioned refrigerator that needs to be defrosted, allow a good deal more than an hour for the job, and do not do it on a 95-degree day or you'll lose your food in the process. Pans of boiling water in the freezer make the crud thaw faster. Of course, you'll clean the fridge while you're at it. Then, when you're done with the whole thankless, difficult job, peel the Sears appliance ad from the floor where you put it to sop up the pools of water and run right out to buy a new refrigerator.
   
   
2. If you cut your family members' hair, do it in the garage, or else you'll be finding little hair snippets on the bottoms of your feet for weeks.
   
   
3. You can plant shrubs and perennials in the fall as well as in the spring, and they'll be cheaper. Bulbs have to be planted in the fall. If you don't get around to planting them before the ground freezes, you can try refrigerating the bulbs to fool them into thinking they've spent the winter in the ground, and then sneak them in the first time the ground softens -- maybe during the January thaw, if you get lucky that year. (In Duluth, just throw the bulbs out and try again next year. The pain of fruitless waiting for a January thaw may cause you to whimper uncontrollably.)
   
   If you live south of the Mason-Dixon line, you can buy special bulbs that don't have to be overwintered, but they're wimpy. Enjoy your azaleas and don't whine.
   
   
4. It's a good idea to develop a collection of recipes that are easy but look like they were hard. Cream puffs are a good example. And they freeze beautifully.
   
   Oh, and don't bother to cook the lasagna noodles before you assemble the ingredients. Use a little extra sauce on each layer and when you're done, drizzle 1/2 - 1 cup of water around the edges. Cover tightly with foil before you bake, and the noodles will steam perfectly.
   
   
5. If you are unlucky enough to encounter a fruit-fly infestation, here's how to get rid of them.
   
   Take the end of the bottle of wine that you would just throw out anyway and pour it into a bowl. Mix a little sugar in for good measure. Then mix in several drops of diswashing liquid and leave it on your counter or in whatever room they're swarming. The sweetness of the wine will attract them and they'll try to land on the surface. Thanks to the soap, the surface tension will break and they'll sink to the bottom where the alcohol will kill them or they'll drown. I don't know which. What do you care? It works.
   
   Then throw out the apple core behind the sofa or the bananas you forgot about on top of the fridge that caused the problem in the first place.

See? Mama comes in handy from time to time. Don't forget to wear your sweater.

Over the years, I've learned some things. Some, I've learned the hard way. Some, fortunately, I've picked up because someone showed me, told me how to do it, or gave me good advice.

I now have grown children, children-in-law and the beginnings of a clan of grandchildren. Any of you in a similar position know the risk of being too pushy with advice and counsel. I definitely do not want conversations with me to be the occasion of eye-rolling on the other end of the phone line.

In what I anticipate may be a series of "let me 'splain it to you" posts, I will get out of my system some of the things I've learned that I hope will be of some assistance to someone out there somewhere. I suppose I've picked up some of these tidbits independently, but most of the useful things I know have been learned from somebody else. So let me pay that favor forward.

* * * * *

I'll start you off gently.

Imagine that you have a friend or colleague who keeps asking you random questions, expecting you to magically know the answers. What do you do?

For the answer, click here.

One of the morning drivetime radio shows (back when I commuted 45 minutes rain/shine/gloom of early morning) had a call-in game called "The Right Answer is Always 'C'".

Well, our version today is: "Got a problem? Use a Lego!"

Click here to see Lego lights including my favorite, the little pocket-guy in the photo who can also clip onto a headband (included) for a pseudo-60s look.

What more could you want, I ask you?

Look no further than Lowering the Bar, an irony-laden blog with news of the ridiculousness that is life in the legal lane.

Recent posts include:

• Big Firm Rocked by Tax Divider Scam which raises the question, "Did he think no one would notice that a million dollars worth of tab dividers were ordered that never arrived?" Next time, buddy, mix it up and make that half a mil in fancy ballpoint pens.


• Sex Fees Not Deductible Medical Expenses, Tax Court Rules Although the individual did keep meticulous track of his, ahem, expenses, he neglected to present receipts. I'm sure there were other reasons, too.


• Practice Tip: Good Behavior Advisable During Disciplinary Hearing Not a good idea to call opposing counsel a "worm", interrupt the judge, laugh loudly during opposing witness testimony, or ask whether that witness' father was a Klan member. Don't make me tell you twice.


• Monkey Mask Fails to Defeat Traffic Camera It's true the camera might not get a good picture of your face, but chances are it will catch your license plate and the decal on your windshield.

Remember, you read it here first.

My son is so amusing.

My daughter and her husband are looking for a townhouse -- their first home purchase. She updated her Facebook status thus: "Now we have two favorites. What to do . . . "

Her brother responded thus:

First comment

"what to do.". Obviously YOU have never bought a house before. The answer is like so totally obvious, at least to anyone with a strong base of Southern California real estate experience like me. [Ed. note:Hah. He lived in a rented apartment in the high desert for 4 years.]

Buy both of them.

Then live in one, rent the other out for $300 less than the payment, buy a convertible to travel between the two of them, live the high life for six months, and file bankruptcy.

I can't believe I had to spell it out for you. Duh.

Second comment, posted immediately thereafter:

In seriousness, we are praying God will grant you wisdom on your choice.

I love my kids.

Note to kids:



Note to dear husband:



From the whimsically-named but "don't-try-this-at-home" Whiskey in my Sippy Cup.

From wearefishermen.com.