• You've never met any celebrities.
• "Vacation" means going to Cedar Point or camping somewhere that requires digging a latrine.
• At least one member of your family disowns you the week of the Michigan/Michigan State game.
• Half the change in your pocket is Canadian.
• You drive 86 mph on the expressway and pass on the right. But you know enough not to exceed the speed limit in Ohio, where they tend to carry a grudge.
• You know what someone means when he refers to “The Bridge.”
• You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.
• You find it easy to obtain Vernors ginger ale, Sanders hot fudge sauce and Faygo Redpop.
• You know how to pronounce "Mackinac".
• You know someone from whom you could borrow a boat.
• You've had to run both the heat and the air conditioning on the same day.
• “Pop” is to drink. “Soda” is to deodorize your refrigerator..
• The movie Escanaba in Da Moonlight wasn't funny. You consider it a documentary.
• You have cheered at the sidelines while your child played soccer in a snowstorm.
• You have such a strong distaste for Ohio State that you refrain from buying cars that are either scarlet or gray.
• You consider Tahquamenon Falls a genuine waterfall.
• You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your right hand.
• Your face falls at the mention the 1994 Colorado-Michigan game.
  
• When anyone asks if you’ve ever been to another country, you forget to count Canada.
• You know what a Pasty is. You know how to pronounce it. You have a firm opinion about whether it ought to contain rutabaga.
• You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but isn't far from Hell. (Paradise, on the other hand, is a bit farther, but you consider it worth the trip because you collect Petoskey stones.)
• You have to wait until the end of June to find tomatoes that taste real.
• You recognized Arthur Penhallow in The Upside of Anger. You also knew that Kevin Costner’s “Mr. Stadium Laundry” t-shirt was authentic. Now you want one.
• You know when it has rained because of the smell of worms. You find that aroma pleasant.
• You know better than to drive your Honda to work at a GM plant, even if it was made in Alabama.
• When giving directions, you refer to a “Michigan left.”
• You know better than to head north on I-75 on a summer weekend. That weekend begins at noon on Thursday.
• Every May, when the lilacs and apple blossoms bloom, you remember why you live in Michigan.

It's the Eponymy, Stupid
"A woman identified by authorities as Denise Coke was arrested after a drug-sniffing dog discovered 33 pounds of cocaine in her vehicle," the Associated Press reports from Roseville Mich.

From James Taranto's Best of the Web.

It has come to our attention that a new organization called Unitarian Jihad has begun activities on U.S. shores. A communique came into the possession of a courageous journalist who, thankfully, takes seriously our Right to Know.

Some excerpts from the manifesto:

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.

One of the benefits of participation (perhaps the only benefit) is that very cool names are available for the asking. I am to be known as Sister Shotgun of the Enlightenment. You too can have your own Unitarian Jihad name. Just click here.

Thanks to Bill Cork.

I came across a helpful tip for an alternative to spanking when your child misbehaves. Hat tip to the Shriners for the link.

Apparently this joke is older than dirt. I, however, just discovered it.


Chick-Fil-A takes over the world.


All right, who's in charge here?


Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.


Osama's nightmare.

And then, there's this classic:

All your base are belong to Ratz.

In AD 2005, a new papacy was beginning...

Liberal Catholic: What happen?
Bishop: John Paul II pass away.
Priest: We get signal.
Liberal Catholic: What!
Priest: Look up at chimney.
Liberal Catholic: Habemus papem
Ratz: How are you gentlemen.
Ratz: All your base are belong to Benedict XVI.
Ratz: You are on the way to salvation.
Liberal Catholic: What you say!
Ratz: You have no chance to survive make your time
Ratz: Ha ha ha ha.

**********

For an explanation of all this, see here.