Being in an away state, on the other hand, is avoidant. I might be motivated by fear, distaste, caution, risk aversity. I don't want to feel guilty; I'm afraid of what might happen if I don't do something; I don't want to get to retirement without enough income; if I let my daughter do that, someone might think I'm a bad mother, if I'm not careful I'll lose that and feel terrible. You know the drill.
Negative motivations aren't all bad. They remind me of real downfalls that poor decisions might bring. The problem is, they're just not particularly invigorating. I don't bring energy, zeal, enthusiasm, or joy to a negative goal. If I'm stuck in "away", it can often be that I'm trying, probably with limited success, to adopt someone else's goals, values or standards. Try as I might . . . no, chances are that I simply won't "try as I might". I try hard and really put my back into something only when I've found some way to own it myself.
That's why the question "What do I really want?" isn't necessarily selfish. It's a diagnostic tool. Trying to bear down harder on something that really isn't mine is a recipe for wasted energy and frustration. If something is important yet doesn't show up on the "what I really want" scale, it's a signal to slow down, reflect, and line up my values and what I know about myself. Getting help shifting around to the "towards" orientation is always worth its weight in gold for me.
